


My Dark Secret

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Action, Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-31
Updated: 2005-12-02
Packaged: 2019-01-19 19:50:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12416946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Dear Mr. Diary,Forgive me, for I have sinned.  Oh, you know my sins.  I had temptations.  So how do I thwart this temptation?  I go gallivanting off on an adventure with James Potter in the middle of the night to a place where I’m not supposed to be.  Oh, and it gets worst.





	1. My life thus far: The Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

** My Dark Secret **

Chapter 1 – My life thus far: The Introduction

_Dear Mr. Diary,_

_This is my first ever diary entry in this diary and I don’t even know the date but who cares because I think I’m going crazy. That’s why they sent me to the school nurse. The only reason I’m writing in this stupid diary is because she said it might help if I tell someone what’s bothering me. Then I told her I had no friends, so she said I should write it down instead and focus on finding a friend. As if I’m going to take that risk again._

_Why?_

_I thought I heard them. I thought I was special. The things I would do to feel, to think that I was special. But I’m no different. I’m exactly the same as everybody else._

_Now all I can hear are my own words echoing off the hollow walls inside an empty room, mocking my every move._

_Every move I make, every tear that falls, makes my heart beat faster, my body shake more and my eyes grow wider with the fear that I’m going to die alone, cold and in the darkness._

_You see the hate pulled me in and swallowed me whole. I thought that if I waited a bit longer, tried a bit harder, eventually I could be saved and everything would pay off, like I saw in the movies. Those girls who have everything bad going for them, when suddenly their prince charming in his shining white armour, bearing a red rose, would come, sweep them off their feet and take them far away from harm._

_I feel so stupid believing a good thing could ever happen to me. This is reality and, in reality, bad things happen without good things happening too._

_It’s like death after death, betrayals after betrayal were just meant to be. Perhaps I could influence someone’s life. Make them that little bit stronger for things to come, like I’m some kind of messenger. But then, now I think about it, maybe all that has happened is making me stronger, getting me ready for the worst._

_Maybe something bad is about to happen and I’m meant to survive…_

_You could say I never went about my life the way I should have. Perhaps I should have tried to stay innocent, but what choice did I have? I wasn’t going to waste my life away being raped by those damn pimps and hoes I kept being sent to._

_You see, when I was eight, I witnessed the death of my parents. It was murder, and they slaughtered them like animals. I’m not sure as to the exact reason but I have an idea. My parents weren’t exactly innocent either. They were thieves, not petty ones that stole from supermarkets or banks but the type who organized brilliant, flawless plans and stole million dollar paintings and jewels, especially diamonds. They loved diamonds._

_I guess they probably stole from the wrong person, and in the underworld that can be like signing your death certificate, because one day, which I know I could never possibly forget, we heard the knocking of the door and then BANG, down it came. Men came charging forwards with guns and large knifes in their hands._

_Once they were dead, and I could swear that I had never seen so much blood in my life, they tied me up with some rope and told me I could starve to death for being their child._

_It was lucky that the next day my sister came home from a friend’s house and found me. She wasn’t quite the same after that, as you can imagine, and we spent the next year swapping foster homes. Petunia found a home quick but as for me, all my foster parents said that I was cursed because bad things kept happening when I was around. I’ve seen the death of a foster mother, two fathers, twin brothers, a sister and a dog. Cancer, car crashes, burnt down house and even an earthquake happened while I was around. I was leaving a path of destruction in my wake. Most people said it was just a coincidence, but I always thought otherwise, and my foster parents didn’t want to take the risk._

_Eventually they started sending me to the less nice homes, where I was introduced to drugs and at my second home I was raped. From then on, I lost all faith in the world and I trusted absolutely no one. I ran away from so many homes that I lost track of how many I was sent to. I don’t know why but I always went back to the police. I think they grew sick of my complaints and thought that I was making it up because, of course, my offenders always denied any such activity._

_What was I to do? Where was I to go? Petty wanted nothing to do with me._

_For a few months, the streets became my home. It was in my blood, I was a natural born thief so I stole money, food and drugs. By the time I was ten I could defend myself well, especially after vowing that I would never let anyone take advantage of me the way some of my previous foster fathers had._

_There is one things you should know is that for a ten year old I was very intelligent and that I cared for one thing and one thing only: that was me._

_Another day I will never forget was the day I met the Man. I don’t know his real name, he was always known as, simply, the Man._

_He appeared out of nowhere and introduced me to a good, fast way to make money. It wasn’t legal but it wasn’t prostitution, which I never would have gone in to, no matter how desperate I was for money. Everyday I watched whores being pulled out of dumps. No, he introduced me to be a thing called an assassin, contract killer or a bounty hunter, whatever you want to call it. The bottom line is I began my first career killing people._

_The Man gave me a home, provided food and sent me to school. He was kind to me and I loved and adored him. I felt that killing people was a small price to pay for what I was getting in return._

_Then, one day, something completely unexpected happened. I received a letter. This stupid diary belongs to Hogwarts so you probably know what the letter said. It was all about me being elected to come and nurture my magical ability and so on and so forth. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: this was to be my future home for the next seven years. Magic changed my life, as it would anyone’s. I guess it gave me more of a purpose._

_My first few years at Hogwarts were uneventful and if I described them to you, you would probably find them downright boring. It’s simple; I barely had a friend and that’s because I didn’t trust anyone. My only wonders were experiencing the different attributes of magic._

_I’m a fast learner and magic came naturally to me. I achieved high results with little practice and despite ignoring me, I’m sure my peers hid jealousy behind their masks but what they never understood was how jealous I was of them. How could they possibly understand a life of complete loneliness? Forever, I have so longed for a family, or a friend. I’ll never understand in myself why I didn’t put my distrust aside, take a risk and make more friends. As I reflect back on those years, I feel so much like an idiot. I feel like I have wasted my life up until third year. But in the future – I do take that risk and the pain, the suffering …_

_I think it was worth it …_

_Lily Evans_

__

Lily dropped the diary onto the kitchen table and stared out the window. The night was full of stars and a large round, full moon, which brightened everything it shone on. Taking a breath, Lily tore her eyes away from the window. She leaned down, peering under the table and stared at a small number pad.

2 … 5 … 7 … 1

The number pad lit up, and a quiet buzzing sound emitted from the pantry. Lily stood up and walked over to it. It opened by itself and a row of various items appeared on trays.

Lily leant down to the bottom most tray and pulled out a small handbag. Once everything she needed was in place, she pushed the pantry door shut. The buzzing sound stopped.

Lily left the house quickly and made her way to the train station. The train ride was quick. As she arrived, she slinked off the train, barely noticeable, and made her way to a quiet secluded restaurant, where her target would be. Fastening her coat and adjusting her hair, Lily made her way into the restaurant, with an exotic smile plastered on her face.

“Mr. Galway, please?” said Lily, in a charming voice to the man at the counter.

“He’s out the back. Wait right here.” The man disappeared through a door but then appeared back moments later. “He’s been expecting you, though you have arrived a bit earlier than expected.”

“I arrived exactly when I plan to," replied Lily in a mysterious and confident voice.

“Hmm,” said the man with a small laugh, which made Lily uncomfortable. “Sure. I’ll have to check your bag.”

Lily handed it to him. “Go ahead.” He quickly flipped through it, deemed it worthy and showed Lily through the door. There was a group of five men around a table, playing cards and smoking cigars that Lily knew weren’t legal. They all looked at her as she entered. Immediately, she found who she was looking for.

“Mr. Galway?” she said with confidence. “I’m only here for you, so the rest of you men can clear out.” With one glance at their boss, the rest of the men were moving passed her with smug looks of their faces. She locked the door behind them.

Swaying her hips, she moved over to her target, slipping her hands up his thighs and placing herself comfortably on his lap. He sat back, relaxing his body. Lily slipped a pair of handcuffs out from her bag. She moved one hand up his neck and touched his lips. He immediately leaned forwards, capturing her lips in a fierce kiss.

She pushed away as smoothly as she could and fastened a cuff around his wrist and the other around the table leg. A smirk eased on to his face.

“I thought you’d like that,” she purred into his ear.

“I like everything about you," her target replied in a low voice.

“Do you?” Lily leaned back, pushing her body back into standing position. “I bet even I have flaws.”

“No, perfect. Except you could just skip the talk,” said her target with a smirk.

“I could tell you a flaw,” said Lily, ignoring his comment and walking over to the back door to the restaurant. She opened it and peered outside. Her ride was sitting there, waiting for her. She heard the car engine fire up. “I’m about to kill you.”

The man had little time to react. All she saw was his surprised, horror-stricken face and him trying to move, until he realized he was tied down. She pressed down on the small remote in her hand and her handbag blew up right next to him. She only just shut the door in time, protecting herself from the blast.

The car came up fast next to her. She opened the door and was jumping in when something hit her hard in the arm, then slammed into the ground. Lily felt an instant, intense rush of pain. She collapsed into the passenger seat and the car pulled away fast.

Taking ragged breaths, Lily glanced down at her arm and saw the blood pouring out.

“Shit!” yelled Lily. “I’ve been shot.”

 

_Dear Mr. Diary,_

_Last night I got shot. You do know what I mean, magical diary, don’t you? You know those muggle instruments that put a small nasty bullet through you at a fast speed that can be lethal probably seventy percent of the time. It hit me in the arm and now I have to start school tomorrow explaining to everyone why my arm’s in a sling. Come to think about it, I’m pretty sure no one would give a damn. Problem solved._

_I can’t believe Christmas is already over. Four hits and no Christmas present later, I’m heading back to magical school. Sounds pretty pathetic to me. Aw well, that’s my life. Once I’m finished with school I’m getting far away from here and I’m going to make something of myself. You just wait world because I’m on my way. That’s_ **my** _dream._

_And I really **need** _it to come true …__

_Lily Evans_

__

 

__

The morning that Lily had to go back to school arrived a lot quicker then she would have liked. The Man was nowhere in sight and she hadn’t seen him since he had sowed up her arm. Before that, she hadn’t seen him all holidays. With no one to give her lift, she caught a taxi to the train station.

Practically everyone had boarded the train and found a compartment by the time Lily arrived through the barrier. Struggling with her suitcase and sore arm, she dragged it across the rough ground, cursing the bumps and holes.

As Lily was stepping onto the train, she heard someone yell out, before somebody else came rushing past her, throwing her off balance. She fell backwards and threw out her arm to stop her fall but it was too late when she realized which arm she’d thrown out. Her injured arm impacted the ground hard, with a sickening crack.

Lily moaned, as she pushed herself into a sitting position. Her arm felt like she’d just broken it and it was bleeding again. Tears were starting to well up in the back of her eyes but she pushed them away. _Be strong_ , she told herself, _it’s not that bad, you’ve had worse._

“Are you OK?” Lily paused in surprise. That must have been the first person in a long time to ask that kind of question.

“F-fine,” replied Lily but her voice sounded high pitch and unconvincing.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t see you there,” said someone else. Sorry - that was a word she didn’t hear often either. Lily looked up. Two guys who she knew were her age and in her year level stood in front of her. James Potter and Sirius Black; though never having a conversation with them, she knew exactly who they were. Everyone always knows the school's biggest troublemakers. She stared at them both, for it was the first time she had ever really looked at them. They were good-looking, she had to admit that.

James Potter stuck out his hand but she immediately shied away from him. He frowned.

“I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to help you up.” Using her other arm Lily pushed herself up, giving him a defiant look. His frown deepened and he shook his head with a frustrated look.

“OK, I guess you don’t need help.” Lily pierced him with a death glare and an awkward silence fell between the three. “So – err – what did you do to your arm?”

“I hurt it,” replied Lily sourly, turning away to attempt to move her fallen bag but she saw Potter roll his eyes.

As Lily reached for the trunk, the two guys rushed forwards to help. “You were right when you guessed I didn’t need help,” snapped Lily but she fumbled with her bag again and Sirius Black grabbed it from her before she could react.

“Yeah, sure,” he replied sarcastically.

Lily had no choice but to follow the two onto the train as they led her through the maze of students, trying to find her a compartment. At the end of the corridor, they stopped.

“No free compartments,” stated Black.

“I’ll find one,” muttered Lily as she reached for her bag, but Black pulled it out of her reach.

“We just looked, in case you didn’t notice, and not a single one was free,” said Black, eyeing her sceptically.

“I’ll make one free," replied Lily, bitterly.

“How are you going to do that?” asked Potter.

“By getting people to move," replied Lily, her tone becoming angry.

“How are you going to do that?” repeated Potter.

“Same way I do every year. Now give me back my bag,” snapped Lily, finally losing her nerve.

“Jeez, and they called me a bully,” said Potter, a smirk easing onto his face.

“I don’t care what they call you,” said Lily.

“I was implying that you’re worst," said Potter, with the shadow of a laugh on his face.

“I don’t care what you think.”

“Really? Most girls try to impress me. It’s kind of funny,” said James, with a small smile.

“You have a sick sense of humour,” said Lily with a frown.

“Oh, so you do care," said James, with a triumph look on his face.

“Insulting someone is not caring about them,” replied Lily.

“I mean about the girls I insulted,” replied James.

“You’re annoying.”

“So are you,” said James, with a laugh.

“Good. I’ll be leaving then.” Lily finally got a hold of her bag, wrenched it from Black with strength that she didn’t know she had and headed down the other end of the train.

“Wait!” Lily spun around.

“What?” snapped Lily. Potter came up close to her.

“I’m sorry, we didn’t get off on the right start. Let me introduce myself,” began Potter.

“I know who you are.”

“Er … Great.” James looked slightly overwhelmed. Rolling her eyes in irritation, Lily turned back around and started up the train again. “I just wanted to say that …”

Lily never heard what James said; she had already entered a compartment that was occupied by the people who she’d stolen it from last year. They didn’t even bother to put a fight. They just stood up, grabbed their things and left.

Lily sat down and grabbed out her diary.

 

_Dear Mr. Diary,_

_Number three … I can’t believe I made it this far. Can you, Mr. Diary? My day’s been interesting, full of surprises, actually. First of all, I think I just broke my arm. It’s really sore. I’ll get the school nurse to fix it up when we arrive at school._

_Anyway, I ran into Sirius Black today, and I mean, literally, ran into him. Then him, and his friend James Potter, where NICE to me. Can you believe it? I certainly am trying to still get my head around it. Damn, that sounded so bad. I’m a bad person. That’s why no one’s nice to me. I didn’t even have to tell the people, whom I stole this compartment from to move. They just knew, because I’m such a bitch. You know, I just realized, I have absolutely no one I can go and talk to. I’m so lonely. I really need to get away from here._

_Believe it or not, Diary, I DID have a friend once upon a time. We were friends right through year three to the end of year five. We’re not friends anymore, unfortunately, but I will tell you a bit about her because I know she definitely deserves that much._

_We met at the Start of Year Feast on September 1st. It was third year and I guess you would have figured it out by now, Mr. Diary; I simply did not fit in._

_Her name was Nicole, but everyone just called her Niki. She was beautiful, with long brown hair that twirled around and round. She had these large bright brown eyes and the nicest, prettiest smile you’ll ever see. You’ll never get to see it, Mr. Diary, you’ll never meet her. It’s a pity, you know, she would have liked you. She loves listeners._

_We hit off right away. She was cold and a bitch to me but in a friendly way, if you can understand that. I was addicted to her attitude and that was it, we were friends. Our conversations were weird, now that I think about it. I knew everything about her, but she knew nothing about me. She wasn’t vain and talked about herself all the time. I just never said anything about me. Most our conversations were random things, speculations on life, the human body, the awful hairstyle the girl in front of us had and even the occasional thing like what makes the sun shine and what our favourite size for the moon was._

_I really wish it didn’t have to end …_

_She just stopped talking to me. She didn’t show up at school, no more letters and no one said a word about her. I tried so hard to find her. I listened in on every conversation. I broke in to the Staff room and searched all their files but NOTHING, absolutely nothing._

_I miss her, Mr. Diary; she treated me like another human being, like an equal. She was always saying that no matter how bad things may seem, that there will always be someone out there whose has it worst and that I shouldn’t pretend that no one could ever have problems as bad as mine because everyone was given the amount of problems that they could handle and though some aren’t as bad as the others, we all feel just as bad. I always found it so comforting, that’s why it’s still in my head. I wish she were here and I wish she would talk to me._

_I’m angry with her though. She made a promise to me._

_But she broke it …_

_Lily Evans_

__

 

Lily Evans was not one to tolerate humiliation or any other way that some guys used to put down other people. Though she was not really one for caring, she still surprised some when she stood up for them, but what they didn’t understand was that she was only drawing attention to herself so that she could prove she was still there and ready to kick anyone’s ass who challenged her.

She then always disappointed by being a bitch to the one who she just stood up for when they thought they had found a new friend or somehow broken down the solid wall that surrounds Lily Evans.

Lily also liked to take out her anger on these guys. She found that magical pain was never quite as satisfying as the pain she could inflict on them with physical contact. She also found that the teachers never seemed to care how much pain she caused them. Perhaps many of them were just too scared to intervene.

Most of these known guys were Slytherins and, as usual, they began their year picking on a rather round and short Hufflepuff boy. Lily spied them out as she headed back from the Hospital Wing after getting her arm fixed.

“Well, do you have anything to say for yourself, you worthless piece of shit?” The boy whimpered and took a step away from the tall black haired Slytherin that stood in front of him, leering down on him. Lily immediately recognized him. His name was Regulus Black, someone who demanded an immense amount of respect and was rather good looking, just like his brother. People flocked to him like a moth to a flame, he was popular and more often then not, he got exactly what he wanted.

“I tried,” said the boy, with a shaky voice.

“You tried?” Regulus stared at him in disbelief. “It was flawless. You should have succeeded.”

Lily paused, deciding not to intervene because she was more interested in what he was trying to do.

“Let’s finish him off, Black, he’s useless now,” said another Slytherin that Lily didn’t know the name of but had seen around the school.

“Don’t be a fool, that would draw unwanted attention and I need this to be discreet as possible.” Regulus stared hard at the Hufflepuff boy. “He won’t tell.”

“How can you be so sure?” asked another Slytherin whose last name was Parkinson.

Regulus spoke to the Hufflepuff. “We may not kill you but that is only little reassurance for what’s to come.” Parkinson smiled, drawing out his wand. “Let’s take him somewhere a bit more … secluded.”

The one Lily didn’t know moved forwards, grabbing the Hufflepuff roughly by the arm, and dragged him down some more corridors and eventually to a hidden passage behind a tapestry.

The screams started before she’d even reached the tapestry. They didn’t last long because they were then replaced with grunts and moans of someone hitting someone else. Deciding that she wasn’t going to learn anything else, Lily stepped forwards, waving the tapestry aside with her wand.

None of them even noticed her at first, but eventually Parkinson looked her way, and then grabbed the attention of the other two Slytherin. The punishment stopped.

“What do you want?” barked Parkinson.

“Don’t talk like that,” said Lily sincerely. “You sound like a dog.” Parkinson growled at her, taking a step forward. Lily resisted the urge to laugh. Regulus was staring at her hard, with a blank look.

“What do you want?” repeated Parkinson.

“I want you to leave him alone, you fucking coward,” replied Lily. Parkinson narrowed his eyes and took another step forwards. “Stop picking on people who are smaller and weaker then you.”

“Everyone’s smaller and weaker then me.”

“I’m not,” replied Lily.

“Do you want me to pick on you?” A smirk made it’s way onto his face.

“I don’t want you to pick on anyone,” replied Lily.

“Oh yeah, and what are you going to do about?”

Lily started walking forwards, as Parkinson waved his wand, yelling out a curse. Lily was so practiced in spells that she didn’t have to speak, just waved her wand to create a shield that deflected the curse. It rebounded towards him and Parkinson barely got out of the way in time.

“Bitch!” he yelled, straightening up and looking like now it meant business. He raised his wand again.

“Stop!” said Regulus. He pushed Parkinson aside and walked as close to Lily as he dare go. “I know what you’re capable of Evans, so I’m not taking any chances. I saw you talking to that unfortunate thing I have to call my brother. He sent you, didn’t he?”

This time Lily did laugh. It was quick and quiet but she saw Parkinson shiver.

“We’re not acquainted.”

“Really?” Regulus took a tantalizing step forwards. “Then why were you talking to him?”

“He made me fall.”

“He’s good at that,” replied Regulus accusingly.

“He literally did it. He hurt my arm again.”

Regulus looked at her arm. “All better now?”

“Obviously,” said Lily bitterly.

Regulus moved even closer to Lily, uncomfortably close. Lily shifted a bit but refused to feel intimidated. She could feel his warm breath on her face, he was so close.

“What are you planning? What did he do to you?” asked Lily, referring to the Hufflepuff. Regulus unwavering stare never left her face.

“How much do you know?” he asked.

“I heard something," replied Lily, vaguely.

“What?” he pressed.

“Let the Hufflepuff go and I’ll tell you.”

“Go,” he snapped at the boy and in seconds he had disappeared. The unknown Slytherin watched him disappear with disappointment. “Now tell me.” Lily looked around herself, with wide eyes and shiftiness, feigning fear. The corners of Regulus’s mouth flickered up.

“You’re working for him, aren’t you?” Lily had no idea who _him_ might be but she said it anyway. They had to be working for someone. Any hint of a smile that may have appeared on Regulus’s face was instantly gone.

“Who?” demanded Regulus.

“You know who.”

“I’ll only say it once more, Evans, what do you know?”

“Nothing. I heard that he failed to do something, that’s it.” Lily was growing bored of the talking. She just wanted to get to the fun part.

“She’s lying,” hissed Parkinson.

“No, she’s not. And if she were, she wouldn’t tell anyone because she doesn’t care.” He leaned forwards. “I know all about you.” With a smile that left Lily confused, he walked past her giving one final nod to the other two. Immediately, they both raised their wands.

“What does he know about me?” Lily spat out angrily.

“You’re a cold-blooded killer,” replied Parkinson. “Your parents are dead and they sure as hell got what they deserved.” He laughed at this and Lily felt her whole body heat up as if she were on fire. “A reject – you have no friends.”

“Shut up!” said Lily, her hands shaking in anger.

“You’re a loner and a fucking junkie.”

“Shut up!” Lily yelled it this time.

“Your one and only friend left the school because she couldn’t stand you anymore," taunted Parkinson.

That was too much for Lily. Her wand was up and ready and all she wanted to do was to inflict as much pain on them as possible. _To have the guts to say that …_

“I’m warning you shut up or I’ll -”

“You’ll what? What the hell are you going to do about it?” In a fast movement that even the most trained eye would have trouble following, Lily dropped her wand arm and brought the other up, punching him hard in the stomach. Parkinson grunted and doubled over. She brought her knee up quick and it connected with his head. Grabbing his head and moaning, he dropped to the ground.

She looked over at the other one. He was standing there, a coward when he didn’t have an entourage behind him. He attempted to raise his wand but Lily beat him. “Expelliarmus!”

Lily took a few steps forward until she was in front of him. She elbowed him in the face with her right side, twisting her body around and twisting it back bringing her left fist straight down upon his nose. A loud crack showed she’d broken it. He grabbed his nose and screamed in pain. Lily narrowed her eyes and punched him in the shoulder causing him to turn to the side. She brought another fist down onto his back, making him fall to the ground.

Lily turned around. Parkinson was getting up. She moved over to him, punching him as hard as she could before he could fully stand up, making him fall over again. Dropping directly on top of him, she punched his face again.

“Don’t you dare say shit like that to me again.” Lily punched him again. “Because this -” Punch. “Is only the beginning -” Punch. “Of what I’ll do to you -” Punch. “Then you’ll be -” Punch. “Sorry you ever lived -” Punch. Lily stood up and kicked him in the stomach. He groaned. “And if you try to run -” Kick. “I will hunt you down.” Kick. Lily stopped and stared at Parkinson. He was a bloody mess and there were little pools of blood and even a tooth on the ground.

“Holy shit!” 

Lily nearly jumped out her skin when she heard someone speak. She spun around to the entrance to the hidden corridor and found two people that she really didn’t want to see at the moment.

Sirius Black walked over to her with an awed look on his face as he stared down at Parkinson.

“Is that Parkinson?” Lily didn’t even bother answering; she was staring at her hands. They were covered in blood. Then she saw it, if only for a moment, a flash of a blood stained floor. She felt her hands start to shake and her vision started to go blurry. She saw other flashes, a face covered in blood, a blood splashed wall, blood on the bed, on the chair, even on the windows. Lily’s whole body began to shake and she felt her eyes start to painfully roll around in her head.

With her shaking hands, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a small orange container with a white lid. She tried to hold onto it and open it ,but as the lid came off she gave a particularly hard shudder and dropped the container, spilling the contents all over the floor. Lily fell against the wall and slid down.

A few seconds later she felt someone grab her hand and place a few white capsules into it. The hand pushed her own hand to her mouth and she swallowed the capsules. Immediately, the shakiness started to wear off. She grabbed another few off the ground and swallowed again.

As she calmed down, she slipped into unconsciousness … 

 

** 26.7.07 A/N: Hey, thanks for reading. Please review. I'm always happy to do the same for you. This is just a note to let you know that I've just recently reread and updated the chapter, as long as the next few and I'm working on the fourth chapter. Thanks again, and I hope you enjoyed it! **


	2. Part I: The Forging

**My Dark Secret**  

Chapter 2 – Part I: The Forging

Lily Evans stared out the window of the Owlery late one Tuesday evening. Her diary was clutched tightly in one hand and, in the other, a letter that she had been meaning to reply to when she had arrived at the Owlery over two hours ago.

She sighed, tearing her eyes away from the Quidditch Pitch. She looked at the letter, stared at it for a minute, then rummaged in her bag, pulling out a piece of parchment and quill. Leaning on a bench, Lily poised the quill over the parchment and wrote _To_.

She paused. She couldn’t write a lie. She had to get what she was thinking off her chest before she told him.

Lily slammed her diary on top of the parchment furiously, and flipped it open to an empty page. She could feel the tears swelling up behind her eyes.

_Dear Mr. Diary,_

_I keep hearing them, over and over again. These voices screaming at me in my sleep and whispering in my ear as I walk the halls between classes. I can’t understand them. It’s like they’re just out of reach, taunting me and forever reminding me that I’m not good enough to comprehend them._

_It’s like I walk a lonely road. I see in front of me a long path with people off to the side blurry, full of colour, smiling … the light in their eyes ..._

_The Man just sent me an owl. He has already gotten four jobs lined up for me this Easter. Yeah, sure I can **do** them, but something inside me is telling me that I don’t want to. He’d never accept it though. He’s not that kind of person. He has uses for people, otherwise, to him, what is the point of being around him?_

_He took me in, yes, he sent me to school, he cared for me but he has to get something in return. That’s how it’s always been._

Lily shut her diary and pushed it aside so she could write on the parchment. She was tempted to just write that she couldn’t come back for Easter, but then couldn’t think of suitable excuse.

_See you for Easter._

Lily paused, _what else was there to say?_

_From Lily_

She finished. Lily picked up the parchment, folding it and walked over to her owl. It was a large hawk-like owl, with exquisite blue eyes and beautiful long, brown feathers. She stroked his head to wake him up, before tying the letter to his leg.

“You know where to find him,” she whispered, and the owl leapt off its perch, spreading its wings and soaring out the window.

Picking up her diary, Lily left the Owlery.

She wondered about aimlessly, her thoughts so far away from Hogwarts that she didn’t notice someone was even following her for ten minutes.

“Knut for your thoughts?”

Lily literally jumped, so that she didn’t have time to swerve out of the way of the suit of armour that was in front of her and went crashing into it, sending the armour and her to the floor. Cheeks flushing and feeling extremely annoyed at James Potter, Lily got off the floor and glared at him.

He just laughed.

“My thoughts cost a lot more than a knut. You are the most insolent -”

“Okay, stop there,” said James, cutting her off, holding his hands up in defence and trying desperately to swipe the smirk from his face.

“How can you find amusement in other people’s misfortune?” asked Lily, angrily.

“Remember who you’re talking to, Lily.”

“How could I forget?” replied Lily with resentment.

She turned away from him and headed down the corridor, fast, in hopes that he would leave her alone, but that was all it was – a hope.

“So how much do you’re thoughts cost?” asked James.

“Something you can’t offer," replied Lily, once again retreating into her own thoughts.

“Which is?” pressed James.

“A changed man,” replied Lily bitterly.

“Huh?” James looked confused.

“The Man I live with, I want him to change,” explained Lily.

“Is he your boyfriend? Is he cheating on you?” asked James, with a defensive quality to his voice.

Lily laughed harshly. “No, he’s not my boyfriend.”

“Why do you want him to change?” asked James.

“He wants me to do something I don’t want to do,” replied Lily.

“So don’t do it," replied James, as if it was the most obvious thing to do.

“Not everyone’s life is like yours, Potter, there are consequences for what I do – or don’t do," replied Lily.

“Does he hit you?” asked James, the defensiveness returning to his voice.

“No,” said Lily aggressively.

“So what’s the consequence?” asked James.

“I’ll have no where to live and no money,” replied Lily, quickly.

“That wouldn’t be good,” replied James, seeming at a loss for words.

“That’s my dilemma,” said Lily, with obvious annoyance.

“What does he want you to do?” Lily chose not to answer. “Fine.” James paused. “What do you mean not everyone’s life is like mine?”

“A rich loving family, Potter, do I have to explain?”

“Yes,” said James, sounding more like a child, then the intelligent teenager that he was.

“You have a simple life," began Lily, impatiently. "The most anyone will ever do to you is yell. You’re sheltered and naïve. You don’t understand what it’s like to suffer.”

“How would you know?” Lily stopped and gave him a Don’t-Mess-With-Me look. He shrugged. “Seriously?”

“So you have suffered?” asked Lily, sceptically.

“How do you define suffering?” asked James, narrowing his eyes in thought.

“Feeling completely and utterly alone. Having your heart broken and _crushed_.” Lily screwed up her face in emphasis. “Losing something so close to you that you know you can never ever be the same again or a change in your life that sends you in a completely different direction that there is no going back.”

James nodded with a thoughtful look on his face. “I lost my Uncle.”

“Really?” said Lily, sounding as if she had no interest at all.

“You know most people usually say ‘I’m sorry’.”

“I’m not. How could I care about someone I never met, and someone, until about three weeks ago, I’d never had a conversation with in my life?” asked Lily.

“How have you suffered?” asked James, choosing to ignore her rudeness.

“I lost … everything,” said Lily quietly. James watched her closely, but she didn’t say anymore.

 

_Dear Mr. Diary_

_This is continuing on of my last entry, as, in case you didn’t notice, I didn’t finish it._

_I truly am crazy, Mr. Diary. Aside from hearing voices, I see things. Flashes, really, of past events long gone. It’s like I keep seeing these images, as if something is telling me to remember them, because, in them, something happened that I must remember._

_What, pray tell, Mr. Diary would that be? I simply have no idea. I see blood all the time. It was never this bad and it has hasn’t happened in over two years. The seizures – I had one the other day when I lost control. Parkinson had me so mad that I couldn’t stop. I wanted him to shut up. I wanted him to feel my anger, my pain – so I hit him._

_I was going to stop there but then I hit him again, then again and again. I wanted him to **know**. After that I saw the blood on my hands. I kept seeing those things, those flashes of my past. Maybe they were my victims. I’ve beaten at least one to death as awful as it sounds, but some are so arrogant and so **cruel** that it just happens. I get angry and I don’t stop._

_I’m a monster. What else can I call myself?_

_But then, maybe they weren’t one of the hits. I know that the day my parents were killed, there was a lot of blood but I can’t really remember the details now that I think about it. With time everything fades away. Nothing lasts forever._

_Then there was that day that I was staying at Niki’s, and Faith, a fellow Gryffindor and a family friend of Niki’s. She came to find us, said that the parentals, that’s what she called them, wanted us for dinner._

_We stopped at Faith’s house to get her parents before we were going to go to Niki’s but we never made it back to Niki’s in time for dinner. We knew something was wrong straight away but for some reason we all just stood there, staring up into the sky at the ugly skeleton head with a snake crawling from it’s mouth._

_Faith moved first, and, even today, I hear her screams echoing inside my head. We weren’t ever friends, but now she doesn’t talk to me at all. Hell, she hasn’t spoken to anyone except for the few inevitable words that no one can ever avoid in life. She kind of became dreamy, like she was never really there. Almost like a Dementor has given her its fatal kiss and taken away her poor soul, leaving an empty corpse to rot inside the damned world it’s imprisoned in. Sometimes, I wish this were true. Then she wouldn’t have to suffer like she does._

_Mr. Diary, I’m not sure if you know, but there is something out there, beyond the walls of Hogwarts – a dark shadow, forever growing, casting its darkness, remorse, and its misery on all those around it. It turns those who once loved against each other, leaving a path of destruction and death in its wake. Clinging to power, to fear, it seeks for the ultimate._

_It seeks to destroy good … to destroy love …_

_Lily Evans_

__

 

Days seemed to pass like years and, for Lily, the rest of the week seemed to be taking its time, slowing down just to piss her off. Thursday night came after what felt like a year and Lily realized that she had absolutely nothing to do so she resumed what she most often liked to do, which was to roam the corridors aimlessly.

It was a mysterious thing what Lily was feeling that night as she walked. It was quiet, which was unusual at seven o’clock when most people had finished dinner and were doing whatever suited them best. Lily hadn’t had dinner; she wasn’t hungry.

It seemed that of all the places she could have wondered to, it had to be down into the dungeons, where it was especially cold and she was especially not wanted but there was no activity in the dungeons so Lily ventured in.

It was cold, which was no surprise but rather annoying for Lily, as she hadn’t thought of bringing anything warmer with her when she had left the Gryffindor Tower. Tightening her cloak around her, she headed towards the potions classroom, because that was the only thing that was familiar.

The classroom was dark, but Lily could make out a faint silver light coming from one of the cauldrons in the corner. She glanced around her, checking for Professor Slughorn, her teacher and head of Slytherin. He wasn’t there and she breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t that she’d get in trouble or anything; he wouldn’t care less. It was because she was one of his favourites and because of that he had tendency for sucking up; a tendency she really hated.

Minutes passed as seconds and what felt much less than ten minutes, she heard footsteps echoing faintly. Lily immediately tensed. She looked around, searching for the source. The sound seemed to be coming from a lone portrait, hanging on a wall. From Lily’s experience, she had no doubts that the portrait hid a passage.

Before Lily could move the portrait was swept aside and the footsteps came to a halt.

“Well …” Regulus Black peered down at her. “What a surprise,” he drawled. Lily gave him a defiant look she seemed to have mastered. “What are you doing down here?”

“I can be wherever I want to be,” replied Lily matter-of-factly.

“Yes, but why here?” Lily stared at him.

“Why do you care?” she snapped.

He gave her a strange look.

“What?”

“You are the most conserved person I’ve ever met," muttered Regulus, "and considering the people I’ve grown up with you’ve got a lot of competition.”

“Sirius?” asked Lily.

“Complete opposite,” replied Regulus.

“Even the arrogance?” asked Lily, not seeming to believe him.

“No, he gets that from my parents," replied Regulus.

“Of course," said Lily.

“So why here?” asked Regulus.

“No reason.” Regulus smirked.

“Of course not.” He paused.

“Where are you going?” asked Lily before she could stop herself.

“For a walk.” Lily nearly snorted. She very much doubted that. “Don’t believe me?” he asked with an amused smile. Her doubt must have shown. “Would you like to come for a walk?” He paused, and then added, “with me?”

“Alright,” replied Lily. It wasn’t like she had anything else to do.

“To the kitchen then," said Regulus.

“The kitchen?” asked Lily.

“Yes, I’m hungry.”

“Dinner just finished," pointed out Lily.

“Which is precisely why I’m going to the kitchens,” replied Regulus. 

“Why weren’t you at dinner?” He gave her a thoughtful look that Lily thought made him look like a completely different person, but then he shrugged it off and a smirk appeared on his face.

“I was busy," he replied vaguely.

“With what?” asked Lily irritably, looking ahead of her. For some reason that smirked irritated her.

“I don’t remember her name.” Lily looked at him sceptically, raising her eyebrows. He just shrugged.

“You’re going to get shot one day.”

“Shot with what?” asked Regulus, curiously.

Lily shook her head. “Muggle thing.”

“Is it lethal?” 

“It is when I’ve got one,” muttered Lily, in reply.

“Of course – your job.”

“How do you know about all that?” asked Lily, her voice deepening, sounding suddenly serious.

Regulus didn’t answer. They had reached the kitchens. He reached out tickling the large pear on the fruit bowl and a door handle appeared. Wrenching it, he threw open the kitchen door.

They were immediately bombarded by house elves. Regulus gave his orders more gently then Lily would have expected from a pureblood.

“Butterbeer,” said Lily quietly and walked over to a table, followed by Regulus. She sat down heavily, and a moment later, her butterbeer appeared in front of her.

She took a swig and focused on Regulus.

“I won’t tell you,” said Regulus, before she even opened her mouth.

“What if I made you?” asked Lily threateningly.

“You couldn’t make me.” Lily bunched her fist.

“How much are you willing to stake on that?” asked Lily.

Regulus turned away from her and started to pick at his food.

“You, with nothing to lose, everything to gain. How much are you willing to stake?" asked Regulus, quietly. "All you have to offer is your life. Is there anyone, Evans, that you would give your life for?”

“Anyone’s long gone.”

“So what are you planning to do with your life?”

Lily paused, biting her lip, lowering her eyes. “You’re different then I imagined.”

“You’re exactly how I imagined.” Lily looked up defiantly. She was different. She wanted to be different. She wanted to stand out.

“I’ll do something … I’ll do something good," said Lily with a deep seated determination.

“What about this man? The one whose name they fear to speak,” enquired Regulus.

“Light always conquers darkness," replied Lily, not sounding particulary interested.

“He’s powerful,” stated Regulus.

“What of him? Do you plan to join him?”

“My parents wouldn’t be disappointed,” muttered Regulus.

“Your brother would call you an idiot,” added Lily.

“He already does.”

“He’s a murderer,” said Lily going back to You-Know-Who.

“But then, so are you.” For a moment, Lily felt strangely disappointed. She didn’t like that he had said she had something in common with You-Know-Who. She knew she’d never join. As bad as the things she’d done were, they would never suffice anywhere near to that of the Dark Lord’s.

She would fight him no matter what it took. At that moment, she hated him. At that moment, she wanted him to suffer.

Lily stood up abruptly, knocking the table.

“Going somewhere?” asked Regulus lightly.

“Away from you,” replied Lily icily and she left.

 

The transition from innocence to adulthood is often overlooked as the days where adults said they were young and did crazy things. They tell themselves that they are nothing like what they did then, but they never seem to see how important those days were, how much they show what you could be, what you can do and who you really are. A time when no one judged for how sophisticated and elegant you are but for how crazy and how far you are willing to go to push the limits.

For many girls in Lily Evans year level, this is exactly what would happen. A seemingly carefree life, then as soon as it started, it would be over and the new adults would be pushed into an up market society, their parents simply marrying them off to suits their needs and giving them the right social connections.

Yet, these girls never complained, on the contrary, they seemed excited. Lily could never understand how they can enjoy life knowing what is to come is exactly what has been. Day in day out, year after year, don’t they ever get bored?

Lily stared at the Ravenclaw group of girls who were fussing over a single one sitting in the very centre. She had no idea about what was going on, but they annoyed her with their high pitch voices and excited squeals.

She heard someone sit down next to her. She presumed it was James Potter. It was now a regular occurrence these days that he would occasionally choose to sit next to her.

“Her name’s Jennifer Hunt and she’s just gotten engaged with a Slytherin who graduated two years back,” said James in a bored tone.

“And you’re telling me this why?” enquired Lily.

James grinned. “You were looking at her with such interest.”

Lily shook her head and looked away from the Ravenclaws to look down at her food that she had been lazily picking at, not feeling particularly hungry.

“Black again?”

Lily looked up sharply, but not at him. Her eyes wondering in front of her, looking but not seeing.

“Are you stalking me?” she asked.

“Regulus. Of all people, Evans, why him?” said James, choosing to ignore her attempt to change the subject.

“Jealous?” asked Lily.

“Not likely," said James, with a sarcastic laugh.

“Nothing’s going on.”

James snorted. “I don’t believe you.”

“You never do," replied Lily.

“You constantly lie,” accused James.

“I wasn’t lying when I said that nothing’s happening,” said Lily, finally looking over at James.

“He was all over you.”

“He was not. Anyway, I wasn’t interested,” replied Lily, not believing she was having this conversation with James Potter.

“Why?” asked James.

“He’s too young.” James stared at her in disbelief. He shook his head and glanced over at the Slytherin table, but Black wasn’t there.

“Hogsmeade next weekend,” stated James. Lily looked at him inquiringly.

“So?” said Lily, wondering where he was going with it.

“Are you going?” enquired James.

“No,” replied Lily instantly.

“Why not?” asked James, with a frown.

“Don’t feel like.”

“You could on Saturday," reasoned James.

“If I do, maybe I’ll go,” replied Lily, as she turned back to picking at her food.

“I have an idea.” Lily waited for him to continue.

“And that would be?” pressed Lily.

“Well … since Sirius and Remus have detention and Peter has a date -” Lily laughed out loud at this. “- And I have no one to go with and would be bored just wondering around by my lonesome, I was thinking that you should come with me and buy me a butterbeer.”

Lily opened her mouth but then fully comprehended what he had just said, closed it and shook her head in disbelief.

“Silence means yes,” said James sounding somewhat childish.

“Why would I buy _you_ a butterbeer?” asked Lily, staring at James.

“Because I bought you one last time,” replied James, as if it was the most obvious answer.

“Last time?” Lily paused, not remembering Potter ever buying her a butterbeer.

“Yes.”

Lily wracked her brain trying to remember. “Potter, you didn’t pay for it.”

“I was going to.”

“Madame Rosemerta made _me_ pay for it.”

“That’s because you poured it on me,” reasoned James.

“You were being an asshole,” said Lily, hotly.

“I thought I was being romantic,” replied James, as he smirked, reliving the memory in his mind.

“Telling someone you think they’re prettier than the Giant Squid is not a pick up line,” stated Lily.

James chuckled to himself.

“And then asking them if they’ll give you head is not romantic.” James smirked.

“I didn’t use those words,” he said, defensively.

“But your intentions were clear," began Lily. "So, naturally, I was offended and poured my butterbeer on you in hopes of embarrassing you, but then you turn it around by coming up with one of your stupid comments like it tastes nice.”

James scratched the back of his head. “I think I’ll buy you the butterbeer.”

“How about two?” pushed Lily.

“But -” Lily stared at him, as if challenging him. He sighed. “Alright. So you’re coming to Hogsmeade with me?”

Lily nodded. “Seems like it.”

“Alright, I’ll meet you at 8.” James stood up and left the table. At the entrance to the Great Hall, James turned and waved to her, with a large grin on his face, then turned around and walked _smack bang_ into a fifth year Ravenclaw girl. He hit her so hard that they both tumbled over. Lily rolled her eyes.

“Sorry,” said the Ravenclaw dramatically. “I’m so sorry. Are you hurt? I hope I didn’t ruin your day.”

“Not at all,” said James loudly, helping her up. “Nothing could ruin my day. Lily Evans just agreed to go out on a date with me!”

Lily mouth dropped open.

And he left.

 

It was about 3 in the morning when Lily woke up. She’d had a nightmare; flashing lights and people screaming but already it was starting to fade away. Not particularly in the mood to go back to sleep, she got up and walked over to the window to get some water. To her surprise, someone was already there.

“Couldn’t sleep?” asked Faith softly. She looked beautiful sitting in the moonlight, the white light accentuating her milky skin. She had long dirty-blonde hair that had dark streaks running through it and a bright blue eye, that seemed glassy as well as a dark green one. Across her left eye, running down the middle, was a small thin scar that appeared open but not bleeding. That was why her blue eye was glassy: she was blind through that eye, Lily realised.

Lily shook her head. Faith took a sip of her water and handed the jug over to Lily. She watched Faith in shock and confusion. This was the first time she’d spoken to her in a year.

Moments of silence elapsed between them.

“You’re different from the other girls,” said Faith suddenly. as if she was observing a bird sitting in a tree. “You don’t fit in.”

Lily felt slightly taken aback. She opened her mouth to speak, but shut it, wanting to hear what Faith had to say.

“No one’s going to laugh at you for saying what you think,” said Faith.

“Not that I’d care,” said Lily.

“I think you do,” said Faith. “That’s why you say it so much.”

Lily lowered her eyes. She could feel Faith’s eyes on her.

“Say what?” Of course she knew what. Faith creased her eyebrows as if Lily had just spoken a foreign language.

“You don’t care,” she answered, after a pause. She paused again. “You have a wall around your mind.” Lily looked up in surprise.

“A wall around my mind,” Lily repeated, as if she didn’t really understand.

“Yes. Ninety-nine per cent of the times its bad experience, that enables you to detach yourself from your emotions and the rest are just those rare people who -” Faith paused and her eyes seemed to glaze over. She was no longer focusing on Lily but it only lasted a moment. She blinked and looked out the window, her eyes wondering to the Quidditch Pitch, which was barely visible in the darkness of the night.

“I’ve had bad experiences,” said Lily, quietly.

“It doesn’t have to be anything big. Something like feeling lonely can contribute to it,” continued on Faith, as if she hadn’t heard Lily.

“How so?”

“When you’re lonely, you’re isolated and when you’re isolated you start to build a wall and it doesn’t break down because there’s nothing fighting it. It makes your mind harder to see.”

“Which per cent are you?” asked Lily curiously. Faith tilted her head to the side with a sort of dreamy look on her face.

“Ninety-nine.”

“Is anyone one?” asked Lily, curiously.

“I know someone.”

“Who?” pressed Lily.

Faith held her forefinger to her mouth. “Ssh, it’s a secret.” She gave Lily a small smile before standing up and walking over to her bed.

Lily creased her face, trying to look at Faith, but her bed was shrouded in complete darkness. Her mind was spinning, _why had Faith finally spoken to her?_ Faith always had ulterior motives.

She put down the jug and her glass gently before walking back to her bed. She lay there for a while, her mind too crowded to try and find sleep.

Maybe an hour later, she did.

 

To scratch the surface of a story is to slightly understand what is happening. A story can be anything, from the large novel sitting on your bookshelf to the boy in your maths class telling his friend about his new shoes. From the ever so great news article to the girl singing a song in her backyard, twirling to her own beat. Anything – anyone can tell a story. You just have to tell the story right.

_She was moving fast, her enduring agility pushing her forever further. Her dark eyes pierced the darkness. Her head was swinging from side to side, as if she was searching, scanning every object, looking for something._

_After a while, she slowed down, eventually coming to a complete halt. Her eyes were focused on something beyond the darkness. She stood, stock-still, her body tensed, just watching and just waiting._

_Something in the darkness shifted and started moving towards her. She didn’t move until she could see it completely. A large wolf covered in silver fur moved into the light of the moon. Its yellow eyes were looking at her lazily and its long snout was sniffing out her scent._

_“Be gone,” she whispered in a voice that was barely distinguishable. The wolf’s eyes, at that moment, almost looked human. They were mocking her and she frowned._

_“Heed me now or risk your demise,” she whispered, her face glowing in defiance, challenging the wolf._

_The wolf threw its head back and emitted a long deep howl. It looked back at her and moments later his howl was answered. Not by one but by four others._

_“Be gone,” she said, louder and with more urgency._

Lily dropped the book on to the table she was sitting at, with a loud “thump”, as if it were a gigantic spider. She glanced over at Madam Pince but the librarian said nothing, only giving her a stern look. Lily looked at the book. The cover was a midnight blue and in gold font there was a name she presumed was Latin.

There was one thing that Lily Evans enjoyed that was peaceful, though few knew of it, and that was to read fiction books. She loved action books, those full of dark tales and brave warriors. At times she was addicted to them. Yet, lately she felt drawn to the sheer romances that plague the mind of a teenage girl hoping to be caught up in one some day. Lily, of course, did not want romance, she was simply curious.

The Man had sent the book to her. He had told her that one of his lovers had suggested it. Lily stared down at it. She didn’t even know it’s name but she was sure now that it had been written by a witch yet she knew the lover would have been a muggle and by accident stumbled upon the book.

She liked the book. It was dark, full of bad mistakes and broken hearts but the lead was a strong female character, who had been turned down by the man she loved because his parents had convinced him that she was not worthy of him. Angrily, she had sought revenge.

Picking up the book, Lily chucked it into her bag and left the library.

She took a direct route for the Astronomy Tower, her mind reeling with too many thoughts. It was as if every single thing that had happened or was said, had a different, deeper, ulterior meaning, and her mind was trying desperately to figure it out.

She sighed. It was hopeless. There was no ulterior meaning – just what happened was exactly what happened.

Lily pulled out her wand and locked the Astronomy Tower door behind her. She walked to the edge, staring down at the vast grounds. The Whomping Willow caught her eye. Some students were trying to get close to it. Class was over and risking their lives seemed to be some foolish students ideal way to spend their afternoon.

She sat down and unzipped her bag, reaching far into it. She pulled out a small bag that had lain hidden at the bottom of her school one since she got back from holidays.

Her hands shook as she stared at the bag. She was almost scared to open it, knowing what it would do to her, knowing that it would all end up bad if she didn’t stop soon, but the feeling she got while it was happening compelled her to reached into the small bag and pull out its contents.

A small syringe sat on her hand and she pulled out a leather strap. She rolled up her sleave and tightened the strap around her arm. The small bag of Heroin was completely full. She hadn’t felt the need to touch it since she got back from Christmas Holidays. Something had driven it from her mind.

As she injected it into her arm, she felt her body start to soar. She lay back, relaxing herself. Dizziness came and then went. The world seemed to fade away and she felt herself lift off the ground, spreading her arms as if they were wings and flying deep into the blueness of the sky. Her eyes flitted around. She had no desire to be anywhere else, to feel anything else but more of the Heroin inside her. Her hand reached out for bag but she wasn’t able to grab it. Something was on her arm.

Lily turned completely to look at her arm. She felt it shake.

“No,” she heard herself whisper. Her eyes moved upwards and into her head. Her breath came out in short gasps. “No,” she said again. Her eyes came back and she could see it moving up her arm. A small red and black creature with sharp, pointy fangs and eyes like … like _hers_.

It stared at her, the devil reflected in its eyes and bit deep into her arm.

Then it was gone.

Lily stared at her arm. It was held in mid air and a drop of red substance fell from it. Everything was suddenly silent and time seemed to slow down, waiting for the drop to fall.

It hit the ground, then another and another. Like rain hitting a pool of water, it started to spread, making dripping sounds.

Lily’s eyes widened. It was coming out fast, spreading between her feet. She couldn’t stand any longer, her legs collapsed and she impacted the ground hard, splashing flicks of blood all over her. Her hands fell forwards next. She crawled forwards, looking for the edge. When she touched something solid, she recoiled.

Focusing in front of her, she saw a delicate form, lying in front of her, a porcelain white hand sticking out from the blood. Lily’s hands were shaking so much. She opened her mouth to scream but her tongue wouldn’t move.

She stumbled backwards, hitting her back against the low wall of the Astronomy Tower. She fell down heavily and the shakiness and shuddering took over.

 

_Dear Mr. Diary,_

_What is happening to me? Please explain it. I don’t understand and it’s killing me. I really thought I was dying. I knew I shouldn’t have taken it, but you must know what it’s like when you’re addicted. I resisted it for so long but I couldn’t any longer. I had to have it, to feel it spreading through my body, taking over …_

_It’s not supposed to be happening. I’m not supposed to see blood and freak out. I mean, look what I do for a fucking living, you’d think I’d be able to stomach a bit of blood like I always have, but no, it’s haunting me and taunting me. Please, please tell me what is happening?_

_I saw a hand today. I don’t know what it means but it triggered some memory. I saw Faith’s face before she had that scar and the blind eye. It has to have something to do with her. I had this thought that maybe she’s mentally reaching out for me, wanting me to help her. She was talking about the mind. What if she has some sort of power? Professor Crusader was talking about the power of the mind and that there are many different types of mind powers. Like Legilimens and Occlumency, and then all these others._

_The other thing is that Faith was the one who found me._

_When I came to my senses, I realized that it had all been an illusion, that there hadn’t really been any blood and my arm was perfectly fine except that it was all red because I’d been scratching at it._

_All she did was pick up my bag of Heroin, stare at it for a while then she said in a vacant voice,_ _“This is a bad batch.”_

_She burnt it before my eyes. I was feeling too weak and disorientated to intervene. She took me back to the Gryffindor Tower, helping me walk. We got back and I could see tears in her eyes. At that moment I wanted to hug and tell her it was going to be all right._

_The other side of my mind was screaming at me ‘what the hell is wrong with you? You don’t think this way. You don’t care about her, because she’s not your friend. She’s not anything. She’s just another person. There is nothing special about her … nothing special about you …’_

_I was stumped. I was staring at her blindly. Tears were leaking from her eyes and she was staring at me, almost pleading for me to understand what she was going through, to just accept her._

_Then her head was bowed, her shoulders shaking, crying that she was so sorry. That she wished Niki was still here because Niki treated her right._

_Something gripped me so hard I had to grab the bedpost to stay standing._

_“Niki?” I asked. “Where is she?” But Faith just shook her head and kept sobbing. I wanted to grab her and shake some sense into her. I had to know where she was. “Faith!”_

_Faith looked at me. “How can you not know?”_

_“Not know what?” I asked with a ferocious urgency. Something was welling up inside of me._

_Yet again, Faith shook her head. She reached her hand to her face and wiped away her tears until they were all gone._

_“Where did she go?” I asked. My voice was shaking. I was letting down my guard, something I had never done before._

_“Away, Lily, she’s not coming back.” Faith’s voice was suddenly deep, devoid of the sadness and tears that had resided in her voice before._

_“Why not?” I could feel the tears, and I so badly wanted to let them go._

_Faith shook her head. “She sent you so many letters and you never replied. I hate you, Lily, how could you be so mean to her? Why am I helping you? You’re nothing but a bitch to everyone around you.”_

_“What letters?” I screamed. I was too distracted to be insulted._

_“What letters!” Faith stood up, looking outraged, all traces of her break down gone. “She was right. You are a liar.”_

_“I’m not lying,” I said angrily, raising my voice, hearing its thickness._

_Faith stared at me, looking directly into my eyes. I had the feeling she was trying to enter my mind. After a moment, her eyes softened._

_“You’re not lying,” she stated. She looked sadly away from me as if she pitied me. “Find the letters, Lily, then you’ll know.”_

_“Can’t you tell me?”_

_Faith shook her head and it was silent._

_“I’m sorry,” said Faith after a while. “When you find out, I want you know that I’m sorry.”_

_I could have hurt her; I could have made her talk. I could of screamed, I could have done a million things but I didn’t. I didn’t move. I knew that I had to find those letters. Where to start? I have no idea._

_There is one thing that came out of this, and though it seemed unlikely, it did happen. Strange things always seemed to happen when Faith or I am around. I guess its because we’re both not quite there. We both have strong characters that most can’t tolerate us and have seen things we were never meant to see._

_I used to think that life was like a game. You give it a try and you’ll either come out the winner or the loser. I never really understood the kind of emotions that were involved; I’m positive that no game has ever felt this way. You see, most of my life I think I’ve just been depressed and that, on some level, has kept me sane and what I dared to call happy. Happy – I was far from happy except for those times when I was with Niki but they are long gone now. At the moment, I feel different, not depressed but more in peace of what is going on and in myself._

_For today, Mr. Diary, I forged a friendship …_

_Lily Evans_

__

 

_** 26.7.07 A/N: Hey, thanks for reading. Please review. I'm always happy to do the same for you. This is just a note to let you know that I've just recently reread and updated the chapter, as well as the other chapters and I'm working on the fourth chapter. Thanks again, and I hope you enjoyed it! ** _

 

__Also - the drug scene in this was a relay from a friend who has been off her Heroin addiction for around a year now!_ _

 


	3. Part Two: Breaking Out

_I could see it; a vague impression of a beautiful soul. The intention seemed right but whom was I kidding? The world doesn’t change, nor do people. What we did once we could always do again, no matter how hurt others or we feel from it originally. But it makes you wonder really …_

_A voice._

_An idea._

_That’s all it takes and I guess that’s all you really need to start something._

_But what compels you to take that actual step, make the jump, or reach out with your hand?_

_A mystery._

_Forever, that’s all it will ever be._

Lily looked up at The Man. He was watching her, his grey eyes taunting her.

“What is it?” he asked quietly.

“A diary,” replied Lily. The whole place had the atmosphere of library, as if it was forbidden to talk loudly. He laughed softly, mockingly.

“Who gave you a diary?” Lily lowered her eyes. A name – that’s all he wanted.

“My school.”

“Why?” he asked, almost accusingly. 

Lily looked over at him again. She shrugged.

“They said it would help.” He nodded as if he understood. Lily bit her lip. _How could he?_

“Do you ever wonder how much they know?” he asked.

“All the time.” He nodded again and turned away, losing interest. Lily stared at him for a long time after. She wanted to ask him how much they did know. He would know. He knows everything, but she knew better then to ask. He would never tell her, just avoid the question.

_Why, Mr. Diary, is there fear in this world – order, discipline, and respect? Is it really that good? Does it really help us? I’ve always wondered what the world would be like if there was no negative emotions, but then I realize that it’s just another stupid human trait. Somehow, among everything, we would create it. It’s undeniable, unavoidable. We are too flawed. One day, we will be our own demise._

“It’s time to go.” Lily looked up. The Man was watching her again, a curious yet somehow blank expression on his face.

Lily nodded.

_Good night, Mr. Diary._

 

__

_Lily Evans_

__

The Man had already left the table. Lily stood up and followed him out to the garage. He was kneeling behind his black car, playing with the number plate. Lily walked over to the front seat and got in.

She stared at the side view window. She was wearing a baggy pizza delivery shirt and blank pants, with a dark brown wig that covered most of her face. As the car pulled out of the driveway, she felt a sinking feeling in her stomach.

“I feel -” began Lily.

“No such thing,” said The Man quietly, cutting her off and sounding as if he could read her mind. “Just your mind playing tricks on you.” Lily fell silent.

They stopped once to pick up the pizza, before pulling up at a large, filthy hotel. Pulling a hat over her head, she nodded to the Man and left the car. She heard it pull out behind her.

The two young men at the counter smiled at her.

“How’s it going?” asked one, as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

“Great,” replied Lily, enthusiastically. She chewed some gum and flashed them a winning smile. “Just delivering pizza.”

“Where to?” asked the other.

Lily rummaged in her pockets clumsily, placing the pizza and a large bottle of coke onto the counter. She pulled out what looked like a pager and sat it on the counter. Eventually, she found out a small piece of white paper with writing on it.

“Room 56,” said Lily slowly, squinting to read it. She flashed them another smile and shoved the paper back into her pocket.

“Just walk through the metal detector and then take an elevator up to the tenth floor.” Lily grabbed the pizza and walked through the metal detector. She smiled at them when it didn’t go off. They smiled back, blush creeping up their necks. She gave a little wave and set off down the corridor.

“Hey, wait!” Lily turned around near the end, as one of them yelled to her. He came out of the side of the counter, carrying her bottle of coke and pager like thing, and gave them to her.

“Oh, thanks,” she said.

The elevator was empty, which Lily was glad for. She pulled off the lid of the coke and from the top she pulled out a small piece of metal that had a sharp edge. Using it, she cut a slit down the middle of the bottle. Once all the coke had poured out, she ripped the bottle open, pulling out a small silver gun and a silencer, which she fixed onto it. She also pulled out two small round objects, dropping them into her pockets.

The elevator stopped with a _ping_. Quickly, she pulled off her top, revealing something slightly more elegant. Lily threw her hat and wig onto the ground.

Smiling confidently, Lily tucked the gun out of sight.

_Dear Mr. Diary,_

_It seems a rare moment when my life is remotely peaceful or just right, not that I ever help the matter. If I get into a situation I was never meant to be in, things seem to only get worse. Perhaps I should start listening to my instinct. I knew it was wrong and I know I'm lucky to get out alive. If I hadn’t been magical, I would be dead, squashed on the pavement._

_It all went wrong as soon as I stepped through the door that was slightly ajar. I could hear the TV in a different room and the flashes of its screen reflected on the door. Yet, no one was around, and the whole place was in the dark, save for the light coming through the door. The man was supposed to have bodyguards, secretaries and all those other things rich criminals have._

Lily paused, remembering the events that had been burned so vividly into her mind.

She had kept walking, searching the entire apartment silently, leaving the room with the TV to last. When, finally, she was standing out the front of it, Lily took a deep breath and froze. Her mind was screaming. _I can’t go in there_. She had to turn around. She had to walk out. She had to run away.

But she knew there were consequences for doing that and she wasn’t one to take the easy way out – no, Lily liked the right way. Although, morally, what she was doing was wrong, it was also right by her life and existence to do it.

So she pushed the door open slowly.

The world’s most talented seeker wouldn’t have had faster reflexes than Lily did at that moment.

A long, light and flimsy sword with a sharp and deadly edge swung out at her. She should have been dead; instead she ducked, and fell backwards to the ground.

Lily rolled over quickly and got up, holding her gun in front of her. She fired it five times. The door stood half open and she wouldn’t dare go near it. She had the feeling that each of her shots had missed.

She was right. Next thing she heard was the click of a large gun – a machine gun being loaded and thousands of bullets spurting out at her from behind the door. She had little time to react but Lily just made it. She dived for the closest room, dropping her gun in the process, rolling over and slamming the door behind her. She moved away from the door quickly and began a search for something, anything that would help her.

In one of the cupboards was a  sword, quite like the one that had almost beheaded her. Lily gripped it. At least she had training in this.

The gunfire died down and the door to the room flung open. A man stood there holding the sword and Lily’s gun. He stared at it with disgust and threw it behind him. She gulped. Lily would have rather he’d shot her than have to fight it out with the two swords. She was trained quite well in the arm, but that doesn’t mean she liked it.

He was first to move. He charged forwards, holding the handle firmly and swinging out at Lily. She ducked, went to pierce his body that he left open, but he was too quick. His sword blocked her attack. He swung at her legs and she only just jumped out of the way.

He laughed at her. Lily had fallen to the ground.

“You’re the great assassin they all talk about,” he drawled in a stony voice that was somehow boyish. “You, who has never once suffered a defeat, you, who started at the age ten, six years ago, a brat off the street. The Man’s little pet, his dog.”

Lily felt like she was on fire. She was a lot of things but she definitely wasn’t a dog. _The Man would be nothing without me,_ she told herself _. He’d be dead and buried six feet under._ Even so, this man stood there, patronizing her. Yet, during his berating, he failed to notice Lily shifting around.

He never saw her jump, was too late to stop the sword that went through his stomach and she watched him die in his own pool of blood.

Feeling strangely disturbed, she moved away from him, picking up his sword, as it was the only other weapon around. The whole room had been ripped to shreds, with little bullets lodged everywhere. Before leaving the room, she dropped one of the small objects that had been sitting comfortably in her pocket onto the floor, knowing it could come in handy if a distraction was needed. 

Lily heard someone talk.

“Have you disposed of her?” It was coming from the room with the TV. She edged closer. 

“Marvin?” The man had a deep and vacant voice. “Marvin?” he called again, sounding unsure. 

Lily dared not to say a thing, nor make a sound. This wasn’t right. How did they know that she was assigned to kill him? They weren’t supposed to know. No one was. Lily felt a familiar feeling, a feeling of betrayal. Someone had betrayed her and left her to die. She knew she would be dead if that man had kept his mouth shut and just finished the job. Regardless if this was a set up or not, she had to finish it.

Lily made her way for the door. The man had gone silent. She could hear footsteps and knew it would be suicide if she walked in or made the first move. He was bound to move out eventually, wasn’t he? Or maybe he’d send reinforcements before him. The latter came. Before she could even react, seven men, with guns, raced through the door and pointed them at her. 

Lily must have looked a bloody mess, because they all stopped and stared as she lowered her sword, admitting to them defeat. She could see the blood on her body and scratches where she’d fallen or been skinned by a bullet. She was sweating and her face was red.

“Where’s Marvin?” Lily didn’t make a sound nor move to tell them. They would kill her if they knew she’d killed one of them.

_Knock. Knock._

Every single one of them visibly jumped. The one closest to the door moved first, tucking his gun out of sight. He opened the door as little as possible.

“Uh …” Lily recognized the voice of one of the receptionists. “I heard loud noises and I was wondering if everything was okay. Also, there was a girl who was supposed to be coming up to the next floor, but all her stuff was found on the elevator, including a wig. I was wondering if you’d seen any suspicious behaviour ,and if you're okay?”

The man just nodded. “Everything’s fine here.”

“Well,” the receptionist nodded. “Okay. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Will do.” And the man rudely slammed the door. Everything went silent; all that could be heard was the sound of the receptionist walking away with heavy footsteps. Lily gulped. This was it. She was going to die there. Yet, for some reason, she wasn’t gunned down like she expected.

“Jono,” said the same voice that had called out for Marvin before.

“We got her,” replied Jono. 

“Where’s Marvin?” asked the voice.

“Dead most likely, knowing her reputation,” replied Jono.

“Bring her here and find Marvin.”

Two left the group and started towards the rooms, while the others pushed her towards the door. Lily entered cautiously.

A tall man sat on an armchair. He had curly brown hair and hazel eyes. He was slim and wearing a navy blue suit with a blue tie and a smile that gave her the impression that he knew something she didn’t.

“Sit.” He indicated to a wooden chair with a stiff back. Glancing around, Lily sat down. There was another room leading off that one and the door was slightly open. “Your target’s through there,” he informed her and she resisted jumping up and punching that stupid smile off his face.

Instead, she settled for a glare.

“Well – they told me you weren’t that friendly, but then, in this situation, who would expect you to be?” He raised his stupid eyebrows as if he was asking an interesting question. Lily hated him then and there. He was annoying and powerful. She hated anyone like that.

“Get to the point,” snapped Lily at him. His idle chitchat was driving here insane. 

Yet, he only laughed harshly. It sent a shiver down her spine and a coldness washed over her.

“Yes, yes, of course. How very interesting, little girl, you are.” Anger flared up in her eyes. If only she was of age. She would have cursed him to oblivion. Little girl? _The nerve._

Lily glared at him; the walls began to shake and a jug sitting on display shattered to pieces. The closest man to it dropped his gun. Shakily, he picked it up. Lily calmed down.

The man in a suit leaned closer to her.

“Yes," he sneered at her. "They said there was something strange about you. That you could make things happen. Things that never should have happened.”

“Aren’t you scared?” asked Lily, in a voice that should have taunted him and mocked him. He sat back again.

“Little girls don’t scare me,” replied the man with a confident smirk.

This time Lily laughed, and it was a lot colder then the man in a suit had been. Each and every single one of the people in the room shifted uncomfortably or shivered.

She felt it at once. She had the upper hand. She had them, if only remotely, scared.

“Fortunate then, that I’m not a little girl,” snarled Lily.

“Oh, but you are.” Again, Lily laughed.

“You see," began Lily, a smirk slipping onto her face. "The problem with calling me a little girl is that you may underestimate my abilities. You have labeled me one, and so in your mind nothing will ever change that. Therefore, you will always think that I am less capable then you, and that is your biggest flaw. Because I will kill you and when I do I will laugh, and if you are lucky I may pity you. You, the stupid man who thought he could bring me down.”

“And what the hell makes you think you can escape this?” he asked angrily, indicating to the group of men around the room. Lily smiled and cocked her head to the side.

He was stupid. She always thought he was. They obviously weren’t trained very well, because twice they failed to notice her moving around. This time, Lily reached inside her pocket and grabbed hold of the other small object and the remote control that would set them off. 

Lily flung her arm out and threw the small bomb towards the group of five men as she jumped up and threw herself behind a couch. 

The button.

Then _BANG._

Two bombs went off at once. Moments later, the fire alarm sounded and water poured from the ceilings. A gun rolled over near Lily and she grabbed it.  She was closest to the door that had her target in it. She recognized him at once, sitting on a bed with two women. He barely saw her before she’d fire three shots, two in his chest and one to his head. The women screamed. 

Lily ran for the other doors in the room. There were two next to each other. One was a bathroom and the other led to another room. It was tiny and from there there was a door that said ‘Fire Escape’ on it. She threw open the door that led to the staircases.

As she ran through the door, something whizzed passed her ear, missing it by inches. It slammed into the opposite wall, spraying Lily with plaster. 

A bullet. 

She spun around, and saw the man in the suit standing not far from her. He had blood and a few scratches on him, but he wasn’t badly hurt.

As fast as she could, Lily fled down the staircase. She heard the man give chase to her. The staircases were made of metal and all sound echoed through out it the place. He was fast, sliding down rails and skipping nearly five at a time. Lily ran on though. 

She was slower then he was and eventually he did catch up to her, sending bullets her way whenever he could. Lily sent some back at him but neither of them could place one.

There was a door in front of her when she realized that on the next turn he would catch her. Not caring what was through it, Lily dived through the door. She had a moment to see that she had just run into a room that was still under construction. It was large and completely open, like a large hall. Windows were the walls where they could be. There was one other door and she did what she could to run for it. 

He caught her first.

He knocked the gun out of her hand and spun her round, pressing his gun to her forehead.

“You’re right. I did underestimate you, but you just grew up.” His eyes reflected insanity. Lily knew he was beyond anger now.

He pushed her and Lily stumbled backwards until she hit one of the glass windows. Her breath shook. Her eyes grew wide. She _really_ didn’t like this situation.

“No more mucking around.” He punched Lily in the nose. She coughed, doubling over and feeling the blood. Lily looked up as quick as she could, only to feel the glass from the window shatter on top of her, scraping her skin and ripping her clothes. He’d shot out the window!

A ferocious wind instantly hit them both. Lily nearly fell out of the window. He grabbed her arm and pointed his gun back at her. 

_“It ends here, little girl …”_

 

_I was helpless; there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. I should be dead. He thinks I’m dead, thank God, but it still unnerves me how close I came. Even now my hearts beats harder then ever before. I’ve been shot at, beaten and millions of other things, but there was always a non-magical reason for my survival. That made it almost all right, so I’ve coped with it._

_But when he pushed me I was so scared. I thought I really was to die, as I fell through the shattered window. Time seemed to slow down and I fell for what felt like an eternity. Yet, I couldn’t scream. My mouth froze, my entire body froze and I felt the tears leak from eyes. This wasn’t how I wanted it to end. This would mean I really was nobody, because if it ended now, I’d never have a chance to prove myself. That would mean my life was useless. What would have been the point for me living in the first place?_

_Then I hit the ground. I kind of bounced off it, then landed on two feet a few meters away from where I should have landed. I stood there for a moment thinking that it was some kind of dream. That I was dead. That this is what I was destined for. Floating around, not quite anywhere, in a vast place, doomed to it for an eternity because of my sins._

_Sirens sounded. Police cars and fire trucks raced pass. I saw other people, and I understood that it wasn’t a dream. I had to get out of there._

_So I ran. The Man was nowhere in sight. I caught a taxi home, and here I am, waiting for him to return, to explain to me what the just happened._

_Or more or less – who just betrayed me … ?_

 

__

_Lily Evans_

__

Moments after Lily had shut her diary, the garage door slammed shut and the Man came in, looking furious.

“Where were you?” he demanded in a deathly quiet voice. “I risked my shit to go back and get you and you weren’t there. I heard you got caught. What if you got ID’d?”

Lily stood up, slamming her hands hard onto the table. She glared at him.

“Where was _I_?” she yelled at him. “Where were _you_? I waited at the pick up place and _you_ didn’t come. I had to find my own way home, and do you really think that I meant to get caught? I’m a mess. My nose is broken; I’m covered in scratches. I’ve been shot at and had a fucking sword aimed at me but that’s not the worst of it. I got pushed out of a five-story window. I should be dead. So you know what – fuck you – I quit.” 

Lily took a deep breath and sat down, glaring at him, daring him to make her change her mind. She was through with it. It was over. She didn’t care anymore. Whatever happened, she would take it. She was ready to let go.

The Man just sighed and walked into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. Eventually, he returned.

“I expected this from you. You’ve been different since the start of this year.” He looked at her diary. “Can I see it?”

“No,” said Lily, ruder then she meant it. He appeared unfazed.

“A diary can do wonders. It can change your whole way of thinking.” He sighed again and looked out the window, taking a sip from his glass. “How hard I have worked to avoid that …”

“What do you mean?” asked Lily as calmly as she could. He smiled at her, as if he regretted what he had just said, but she knew he hadn’t. Everything he said was deliberate. He was trying to stir her again. 

He shook his head – it didn’t interest him enough to answer.

“Well, then I’m leaving,” said Lily.

“Where are you going to go?” For some reason, he sounded genuinely interested.

“School,” replied Lily, as if it were the most obvious answer. 

“And then where?” Lily bit her bottom lip. Where would she go? She didn’t exactly have any friends to call up. She had no idea where Faith was these days but she was sure it wouldn’t be a place that wanted her.

Lily just shook her head. “I don’t need you anymore.” She stood up, glaring at him. He stared back at her and a smirk slipped onto his face. She hated it, that smirk that made her feel like an idiot, but she knew better then to react to it.

She left the room as quick as she could, running to her own room. She felt the tears again, prickling at the back of her eyes, but she pushed them away as she always did. She saw a box sitting on her bed and had the urge to pick it up and throw it. She wanted to scream too. Screaming would feel good.

Of course, she never did. The Man would hear.

Instead, she put her frustration into packing her trunk. She threw everything in violently before slamming it shut. Picking it up and dragging it along, she made for the front door. She saw the Man in the kitchen, but he didn’t stop her. He just watched her leave. Feeling hurt, she slammed the front door after her. 

As she stood on the pathway, she glanced back at the house and was alarmed when she saw the Man was walking straight towards her. Not wanting to speak with him ever again, she quickly pulled out her wand and threw her arm up in the air.

With a loud bang, the purple Knight Bus arrived, conducted by an ancient man. Lily went to pick up her trunk except the Man was picking it up for her. He pushed it inside. Lily glared at him sourly. 

“I’ll pick you up when you finish school,” he said softly, his face inches from her. Lily tilted her head to the side and her frown deepened.

“Weren’t you listening?” she demanded angrily. “I quit. I’m not coming back.”

“I’ll pick you up,” he repeated.

“Why?” asked Lily. 

“So I can give you the money you’ve made. I saved it and since you want to part ways, I believe it is rightfully yours.” Lily felt taken aback. His voice wasn’t angry or devoid of emotions, which were his usual tones; instead it seemed as if he cared for her, yet he was too proud to tell her he wanted her to stay. “Okay?” 

Lily nodded, the anger draining from her face. She could never seem to stay angry around him. 

“Thank you,” he said quietly. He leaned closer to her so that his lips were next to her ear. She felt him take in a breath, as if he was about to speak, but instead he pulled away and nodded towards the bus. 

Nodding, completely confused and shocked, Lily boarded the bus.

_Dear Mr. Diary,_

_I’m on the school train, heading to Hogwarts. Are you excited, Mr. Diary? You’re going home. Yeah, me too._

_So, I did it, I think. I mean, I left – but I’m seeing the Man next holidays to get my money. Then it’s over. I’m finished. I quit._

_I’m sitting with Faith. She’s sitting quietly, staring out the window; her eyes have kind of glazed over, like she’s deep in thought, so I’m too scared to make a sound. I wonder what she’s thinking about?_

_What do I keep thinking about? Unbelievable, Mr. Diary, it is, but I can’t get James Potter out of my head. I never told you about our “date”, as he liked to call it. We went to Hogsmeade for a butterbeer - actually he was supposed to buy me two. He got out of it, the bastard._

_I’d completely_ _forgotten about the second one once I’d finished my first. Why? You might wonder. Well, I guess because I was laughing. You stop thinking when you laugh, that’s what I say. It was something stupid, but I found it so damn hilarious and I liked his laugh. It was almost girlish but in a cute way and there was a slight huskiness to it that made it sexy._

_James Potter sexy? Don’t worry; I didn’t believe it at first either. After that, we went to all the joke and candy shops. He bought me so much stuff; I doubt I’ll be able to eat it all. Maybe Faith might enjoy some. I’ll ask her later._

_We went to the Haunted House on top of the hill. He told me there were violent spirits in there. I told him they’re stupid spirits, not violent. I mean, who would be stupid enough to spend your afterlife tearing a place apart? For some reason, he found that amusing. I made James Potter laugh. Yes, Mr. Diary, that is a first._

_And then we were walking along the main street in Hogsmeade when he said, completely out of the blue, “This has been really fun.”_

_I stopped, just stopped and stared in front of me. For some reason, it hit me really hard. He stopped after and had to walk back to where I was standing._

_“Oh,” was all I could manage. My stupid mouth, where was my wonderful reply?_

_He just smiled though, his eyes lighting up._

_“We should do this again.” He’s insane, right? Crazy – like me._

_“O-okay,” I choked out, feeling utterly betrayed by my stupid mouth. Where was my smoothness?_

_He grinned this time and I felt myself redden._

_“Lily Evans, was that a yes?”_

_“Yes.”_

_Yes, I said it before I could stop myself. I found myself trusting him for no reason and wanting to be around him again. It wasn’t a date, that would be stupid, no just a – a start of a friendship? That’s all. Of course it is._

_And then, I don’t know what he was doing, but he leaned in close. He stepped right up next to me and took one of my hands. I couldn’t help it, really I couldn’t. I tried to accept it; in fact every fiber of my mind wanted me to. But I won’t change because people don’t change. As soon as he – he touched me, I moved away. I pulled away and broke eye contact. My whole body shivered and I just wanted to be as far away from him as possible._

_I didn’t move though. I was too nervous to. It was awkward for a moment, but then he said we should go back because it’s getting cold. He wouldn’t look at me, Mr. Diary. I didn’t like it. I didn’t get angry though; no, I was sad. I felt like I had felt when I first wrote in this diary._

_I heard my word haunt me inside_ _my head._ Every move I make, every tear that falls, makes my heart beat faster, my body shake more and my eyes grow wider with the fear that I’m going to die alone, cold and in the darkness. _Those exact words, Mr. Diary, I heard them …_

_Help me please? What does it mean … ?_

 

__

_Lily Evans_

__

 

The lake twinkled lightly as the half moon shone down on to its surface. Lily liked it for some reason. Maybe, she felt like swimming in there where she was weightless, and nothing really matters when she felt that way.

Or maybe she just envied it.

She took a few steps until she was next to the water edge and sat softly on the damp grass, removing her shoes and dipping her feet into the cool water. A chilly ripple was sent down her spine and she visibly relaxed. Leaning back, resting on her arms, she shut her eyes.

But it was only for a moment. She had heard something behind her. 

Spinning around, her eyes narrowed on the person that was casually leaning on a tree, staring down at her.

“I thought it would be you,” she said angrily.

“Not Potter?” Regulus asked, coming over and sitting down next to her.

“You were too quiet to be James.” 

Regulus sneered. “Right,” he said. “I heard you had an interesting date with Potter to Hogsmeade before we left.”

“Maybe I did, but then maybe I didn’t. It’s really none of your business. You’re too nosy for your own good.”

Regulus smirked and looked at her, raising his eyebrows. “Too nosy?”

“Oh, yes. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, curiosity killed the cat.”

“I’m not a cat,” said Regulus, finding this amusing for some reason.

“You’re almost as quiet as one.”

“Who’s going to kill me?” asked Regulus, with a playful challenge in his eyes.

Lily smiled and shook her head. For some reason, she didn’t feel the need to reply to that. Nor did he seem to expect an answer; it sounded something like a lighthearted joke. They had found a comfort in each other’s presence. 

“What brings you here anyway?” asked Lily. “It wasn’t to ask about James, was it? I’m not going to tell you anything, simply because it is none of your business.”

“No, it wasn’t about Potter. In fact, it wasn’t really about you,” replied Regulus.

“Oh?” asked Lily curiously.

“I did intend to find you, but it’s about me.”

“Yes?” asked Lily. He stared at her, his eyes suddenly becoming somber and serious.

“It’s about my brother,” said Regulus, in a strange tone that Lily hadn't heard before.

“What about him?” asked Lily, losing interest. She cared little for what Sirius might have done to him. If he wanted her to take care of him or something, he could forget it.

“My parents are angry. He ran from home this summer and disgraced the entire family. He’s tainted, but he’s also protected. He ran to Potter, as was expected. I’m not sure if you know, but Potter’s parents are among the richest and therefore most respected of the purebloods. They have all the right connections and so for anyone to try and harm my brother would be like signing their own death certificate.”

“If you want me to -” began Lily.

“I’m not asking you to harm him in any way,” said Regulus sharply, cutting her off. “You’ve become close to Potter and he’s the best friend. No, I don’t want my brother dead. I want him alive, very much alive.”

Lily stared at him curiously, her face creased in thought. Why would he care if Sirius lived or died? They hated each other.

“Why?” Regulus paused to think for a moment.

“Yes, I dislike my brother very much,” he replied. “But I also think that his survival will be crucial to the future.”

“What type of future?” He had her complete attention now.

“He’s strong, Lily Evans, too strong. No one can beat him, I doubt even the Headmaster stands a chance these days. He’s been taunting us, playing us and killing us for too long. No one’s safe anymore. No pureblood, half-blood, or Muggle - but you know this. I see you read the papers every morning. I see your eyes, when people are taken away from class, from the Great Hall, to be told their terrible news. Their losses are your pain.”

“I feel annoyance, not pain," said Lily, angrily. "I’m doing just fine and I’ve lost my family. They were killed in cold blood too.”

“Yes, the difference is that you hardly knew your parents, and they got that chance, so they feel it worst because they know what they have lost. You don’t, so you don’t care.”

“So remind me why it’s _my_ pain?” asked Lily.

“Because you blame yourself. You should be the one crying, not them.”

“I don’t need to cry," said Lily, with a frown, wondering where he was going with this.

“You’re human, Lily, and humans cry when they lose.”

“I don’t need to cry,” insisted Lily.

Regulus just smirked to himself and dropped the subject. A comfortable silence erupted between them.

“You know, you and me, Lily, we’ll die young. We’re not meant to grow old,” said Regulus, quietly, after a while.

Lily slightly bowed her head, looking out at the lake. 

_Somehow, she agreed …_

 

_Dear Mr. Diary,_

_Regulus Black is strange, I’ve decided. He’s confusing. Actually, I think there is absolutely no one like him, or who at least thinks like him. He thinks I’m going to die young, Mr. Diary. Why? I don’t want to. It’s echoing in my head and it’s scaring me. Why am I scared? I don’t get scared._

_He said that to me a few days ago. Yesterday, I ran into James. I was nervous. I’m not supposed to be nervous. James Potter is not supposed to make me nervous, but I was. For some reason I was avoiding him. I don’t get it; I thought I liked being around him._

_“Lily,” he said, cornering me in the common room._

_“Yes?” I asked._

_“Are you avoiding me?”_

_Yes, of course.  “No,” I replied, shaking my head._

_He scratched the back of his neck. He obviously didn’t believe me. “I wanted to talk to you about what happened at Hogsmeade.”_

_“What happened?” I asked innocently._

_He looked at me angrily when I said that. “When I … why didn’t you let me … touch you?” I shied away. I was terrified. Why did he have to be so upfront? Why couldn’t he be subtle, weasel it out of me a different way, instead of throwing it straight in front of my face where I couldn’t miss it? “You led me on, then you pushed me away.”_

_“Did you think that maybe you were going too fast?” I shot back at him hotly._

_“I touched your hand,” he said, slowly and deliberately as if it were the most innocent thing someone could do._

_I paused. What could I possibly say to that? I just wanted to run away at that moment. I just wanted to hide. I wanted to scream too, but I didn’t want anyone to hear me._

_Instead, I bowed my head and stared at my hands. They were practically shaking. He was looking at my face, into my sad green eyes. I wondered if my eyes were really the doors to my soul and if, in that moment, he was staring right at it, reading and knowing my every emotions and my every desire._

_I knew that if I turned away, I’d lose him. I didn’t want that. At least I knew that. I wanted to keep whatever we had, but what else was I supposed to do to tell him? My mind was pleading but I didn’t show him. I knew he wouldn’t wait forever. I couldn’t stand here forever._

_That’s why I did it. Because he was about to leave and he was hurt. When I finally did look into his eyes, I saw hurt._

_My hand was moving of its own accord and it reached for his, hesitating half way before continuing on. He just watched it, the hurt draining from his eyes and face twitching into what turned out to be a smile._

_As my hand reached his, it slid in perfectly and he laced his fingers through mine. As he smiled at me, I found myself smiling back. I felt my heart exploding and my stomach tinkling. There was this feeling in my throat._

_Suddenly, just holding his hand wasn’t enough. I pulled my hand away and with no idea what I was doing; my arms were wrapped around his toned form. His warmth sent me into a fiery security._

_I had a feeling._

_A feeling that this was where I was meant to be …_

 

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_Lily Evans._

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** 27.7.07 A/N: Hey, thanks for reading. Please review. I'm always happy to do the same for you. This is just a note to let you know that I've just recently reread and updated the chapter, as well as the others and I'm working on the fourth chapter. Thanks again, and I hope you enjoyed it! **


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